I have accepted that I am a memory.
And as a memory, I will no longer physically enter your life. Every gentle touch I graced you with will slowly fade into a simple remembrance of lust. Every picturesque moment of me dragging my fingers across your skin, softly kissing your neck, and whispering secrets to you in the isolated presence of our scars. All of this will be but a flash of the past, a dream that will soon become so faint you will be taunted with the idea of a nightmare.
However, be careful, for this is not a photo you can keep. This is not a book that I will allow you to store on a shelf, only to eventually forget about. I will continue to allow this memory to form it’s rightful infection.
I am but a memory, but you will always remember me.
Gentle music bounces off brick walls as I sip notes of cocoa and cinnamon from a hot cup of freshly brewed coffee. I brought my MacBook with me to this coffee shop but odds are I will do what I normally do, opening the screen to look inconspicuous but really spending my time bewildered by those around me. I’m always distracted by the energy that surrounds other people.
This time it’s a couple cozied up on the distressed couches placed in the corner by large windows. A man endearingly gazes at, who I assume is, his girlfriend next to him. Examining the expressions on her face and seemingly in bliss, she catches these stares after tasting one of the shops homemade muffins. She pinches his arm in what looks to be an expression of embarrassment for him having witnessed her messy eating, and he soon after, kisses her forehead.
Unaware of the world around them, both immersed in the aura and presence of the other. What a way to be in love.
Light seeps vertically through a single crack in the curtains that fall softly from the top of my window. I can see thin layers of dust collecting in the tall corners of the room as the sun decidedly pierces the shadows that once plagued these empty spaces.
“How long have I been laying here?”
I toss my legs to the edge of the bed, stretching in a way I believe will somehow release all feelings of wanting to crawl back into the sheets. I reach out to flick the curtains back, and out of the window I can see children playing in the complex’s community pool.
I listen to their laughter as they move carefully around the deck that has been splashed and soaked. It reminds me of the darker times when you somehow innocently pulled a smile out of me, how you always made me feel youthful.
Recently, life has struck me in such a humbling way, reminding me that everything I have could be taken. Everything I possess, whether I fought for it or not, is a privilege. I do not take anything for granted, even time.
I stumbled far inebriated
Tipsy tongues will do their tricks
But unaware and unprepared
I was sober upon his lips
I have pages of stories
Sketching beautiful skies
I see through cracked windows
With tears in my eyes
If it’s me that you seek
And the scenes I describe
You must know that my words
Paint a pretty disguise
I used to wonder
If he really knew
But I know now
That he knows how
I will always love him so
I used to pity you, and all that you had gone through. Every action that had led to the scars on your heart, all the wrong you did not deserve. That is until I discovered the vengeance you seek in those you find unworthy. What defines worth, my dear? To you, the expectations on value and respect are never held to your own doing. So what defines worth? Innocent souls trip on mistakes in your path and you condemn them for life. What defines worth? You do realize that this pattern of defining another’s worth, to you, is a viscous cycle of revenge, right?
You will never find happiness and peace while battling a non-existent war. Look around, my dear, for you have wounded those around you who have had nothing but love for you. Hearts that have been misplaced due to your lack of empathy and self serving actions. I hope you finally get what you are looking for, however, I really hope you get what you deserve.
She approached me in all black
With her fingers dipped in gold
I tried to get some answers
But her responses left me cold
She gazed out of the window
And was speechless for some time
She turned to me and whispered
“I miss that light inside my eyes”
Sometimes I feel I control my life
And sometimes I feel like I don’t
I had no say on the start of my time
That decision was never my own
And even though life is a gift to give
And I’m always in charge of the tone
I really don’t care what life I live
As long as it’s life in your home
You seethe in frustration
As you pull at the ends of
What you know
Somehow thinking you will
Unravel the solution
To a problem that never existed
In the first place