I stared into a blank piece of lined paper for possibly an hour, following the margins and tracing the outside edges of the page with my pen. It was unlike me to draw a blank and yet here I was, emptier than I could ever imagine. What could I possibly write? How could I possibly articulate a feeling of nothing.
Impending emotions grow heavy on my chest as mental turns to physical and I am no longer capable of repressing. Not even the sound of my dog’s steady breathing soothes me as I continue to act as though I’m capable of refusing reality. In times like these I would desperately reach out, a phone call away, you’d promise me comfort and soon after I would drift to sleep.
Instead, I find myself in a constant state of self doubt. What was real? What was fake? Who was I to you and who did I become? Never have I ever found myself habitually questioning my own being. Never have I questioned my own words. But I understand now, I understand that sometimes after all is said and done, words turn into nothing.
I pick up my mug with both hands, slowly sipping from the lip and letting the steam gently grace the tip of my nose. Hot tea soothes the back of my throat as I place the mug back down on the nightstand next to me. I can’t seem to remember the last time I was able to sleep soundly without the help of chamomile and melatonin. What a privelage it was to come home from class or work, jump into a cotton abyss and soon after fall victim to my own weariness. Now I’m caught in my monotonous nightly routine: dinner, shower, tea, sleep aid, bed, stare at the ceiling for a couple hours, hopefully get more than 4 hours of sleep.
Come to think of it, before this nightmare of a routine began, what was even crossing my mind during those short moments before sleep? In most cases I’m going to assume it was a controversy between which outfit I was going to wear the next day, or possibly who the next bachelor was on my quest to find love. A common and habitually failing adventure of mine, let me add. Gone are the days of blissful romantics and picking out my outfit the night before, that’s for sure.
What do you do
When a love so strong
Starts to take on a form of its own?
Do you let it run free
Like the wind through the trees
Or anchor it down to a home?
Will you tell them that I loved you?
Or neglect to speak the truth?
Give me the brush that you will use
To paint me the one uncouth
Though you drew yourself a tainted heart
Strokes of detail the world should see
I will hide those colors dyed too dark
Your work of art is safe with me
I write the loudest words
When my mind is serene
But sit in quiet rooms
As my thoughts start to scream
I can feel his whisper
behind closed doors.
The harmonic undertones
pass me by as I wrap
myself in the smooth melody,
wishing to be the song he hums
under his breath in
the midst of darkness.
I was always warned about your type
A voice of velvet
A taste of poison
On the lips of a god
“They will rule your mind”
But I seem to be just fine
He held me like a chalice of gold
With two hands around me
I reminded him that, like the Fountain Of Youth
Many men fall weak in their search
For the eternal swim within my body of water
He smiled and tipped his head back slowly
With his lips pressed against me softly
He reminded me that his search was over
Therefore no one will ever again
Taste how sweet my river can flow
You promised you could handle
All those broken bits of me
Despite the fact, I knew damn well
I had already made you bleed
So, I can’t begin to blame you
For failing to bring me peace
When you fought at first, to make it work
But would never be what I need
It was just hitting noon
When I thought about you
Under waves of the afternoon heat
I could picture your stare
How we danced everywhere
How your love always tasted so sweet .
But a cloud met the sun
And nostalgia won
As I stood in the shade all alone
Thinking “how could it be?”
Thought it’d always be me
To tell others that you were my home