I used to pity you, and all that you had gone through. Every action that had led to the scars on your heart, all the wrong you did not deserve. That is until I discovered the vengeance you seek in those you find unworthy. What defines worth, my dear? To you, the expectations on value and respect are never held to your own doing. So what defines worth? Innocent souls trip on mistakes in your path and you condemn them for life. What defines worth? You do realize that this pattern of defining another’s worth, to you, is a viscous cycle of revenge, right?
You will never find happiness and peace while battling a non-existent war. Look around, my dear, for you have wounded those around you who have had nothing but love for you. Hearts that have been misplaced due to your lack of empathy and self serving actions. I hope you finally get what you are looking for, however, I really hope you get what you deserve.
I never felt at peace
And now my world is standing still
The war used to consume
But now no voids call me to fill
I used to never sleep
Now nights bring dark against my will
I never feel too weary
Now that the calm seeks all my thrill
I still can’t believe the levels of absolute sorrow you built for me, slowly pushing me into insanity. You absolutely crushed me, destroyed every broken piece of me until you were satisfied enough to walk away. I was too soft between your rough fingers, begging you to hold me gentle, you ignored all of my pleads. I begged and groveled at your feet for forgiveness for mistakes that I now realize I was never at fault for. All I desired was acceptance but you made sure to give me nothing but denial.
I’m learning the true meaning of vulnerability. I am learning what it means to be open, fully and completely naked in my emotions no matter the consequences. I tend to close myself off after being hurt, or after learning that I can’t trust someone. And while that might be healthy in some ways, I am learning that it is okay to express you are hurt. For a full year I slowly became desensitized, incapable of feeling anything. I felt I never had a place to be open with you, and I really didn’t. Today I want you to know that the way I allowed myself to hurt in your presence was unacceptable. I will never allow self inflicted torture by “staying” ever again. Never again.
I stood outside in the sun today
And let the heat hug my skin
Only to realize that not even the sun
Can compare to the warmth of your love
You can’t be happy
With the whole
Of a relationship
If you aren’t in love
With your own half
Every step I took away from you
Was a step I took towards myself
I found that the only distance I had
Was the distance between me and my heart
You wake up one morning and you’re 6 years old again. Confused and shocked you begin to experience the world, but this time the world gives you the support you always wanted. Your mother is sitting with you at a small table in the playroom, teaching you how to draw clouds with crayons. Or perhaps your father is helping you up after falling off of a bike, slowly easing you back on to teach you to balance. You get the love that you had always desired but had never received. But at what cost?
What motivates us is failure, whether it’s our fault or not. What gives us true appreciation for happiness, is those moments of having to swallow sadness. Living in a perfect world would not generate perfect people. Living in a perfect world would desensitize your desire to be a better person. It’s time to take your emotional and physical deficits and realize, that you are not defined by that which you don’t have. Rather, you will find self-worth in the growth you experience while working to close those voids.
Laughter slips through
The holes in my soul
And while you may have answers
Your words fall on a hollow heart
Reminding me that
Some places and most people
Aren’t here to help me heal
It was an interesting feeling
Releasing the weight of trauma and sorrow
But also feeling more of the weight than ever before
Maybe because I was more aware it enabled me to feel more
How interesting it is that while I find my happiness
I am also feeling exponential sadness